Sunday, January 11, 2004

The Volvo Curse
I should have known Friday would be one of those days. I climbed out of bed earlier than usual wanting to get to work before my students would (for a change). The Volvo fired right up which was odd. It had been acting like it had a week battery. I took the notion as a happy Friday gift, patting the dashboard. Goooood Volvo.

I had the radio cranked up, I'm cruising at about 75 miles an hour down the Outerbelt. Then I started losing power. That feeling that you are floating forward while your car is rolling back. Uh oh. So I grabbed my cell phone and started to put a call through to my wife, while checking the mirrors and changing lanes. I had to slide to the side of the road. Just then, there was a squeel. If you have ever heard a pig being slaughtered, it was kind of like that. A bone chilling squeel from under the dash. It was followed by the release of a white cloud of smoke which was so thick, it filled the car and blinded me. About that time my wife answered the phone to which I replied "Shit! I'm blind! Volvo dying! I'll call you back!!".

I think it was safe to say that the heater core in the volvo officially 'went'. Whether it was plugged, or emptied, the effect was the same. It drove the car into a really intense overheat. So I went to the trunk. Naturally I had cleaned out my tools and left the in the garage. I had a flathead screwdriver with a broken tip. A $2.00 quality screwdriver set, which was missing the main component (the handle). And ... a pocket knife! God Bless! That knife was a stocking stuffer gift I got from one of my wife's aunts about 2 years ago. It's a gift that you throw aside and never really use. In this case, it had fallen out of a bag 2 years ago and found it's way into the wheel well. Being that it was stainless steel, it was in new condition. This thing had a flathead end, a hacksaw style blade, etc. Everything I needed.

About this time I put a second call into my wife explaining that I was stuck. She was messaging the Discount Man and began a chat session with him to put in for a rescue mission. I then put a call into work explaining that I was officially fucked, and would come in as soon as I could. The receptionist passed word to my two students.

Climbing under the hood, I immediately dirtied up a nice pair of slacks, and my very clean Chuck-T's. Oh well. My goal was clear. Get that damned heater core unhooked. It's an easy job really, now that I had a tool. I had a few new clamps in the works from when I had swicthed out the heater control valve. So it was just a matter of looping a hose around. The job took about 20 minutes.

Discount Man was about 10 minutes away, so I decided to get my car off the highway and to the nearest gas station for some antifreeze. Naturally the car began overheating almost immediately due to the very empty radiator. Once to the gas station I called the Discount Man man once again. He informed me not to buy antifreeze or oil, because he had both in his truck. I was pleased. Because at the cost of anti-freeze at a BP Gas station, I was seriously considering the $1.99 windshield wiper fluid as a cooling alternative.

DM showed up, and in went the antifreeze and one quart of high quality oil. Which I explained was well appreciated, but would end up all over the city thanks to a small leak at the bottom of the engine. The car was happy. Right away, the thermostat took a dive bringing the engine temperature to normal operation. Hooray!

Discount Man and I then began speaking about a possible loan. Thanks to school loans, grants, and personal savings, DM had accumulated a good amount of cash. He was willing to not only help pay my Honda up, but also help get me a loan with a lower interest rate making my car affordable. What a chum! DM had cancelled a doctors appointment but decided he would go onto work and attend a meeting. So he followed me into work and then headed into the office.

Once I arrived I found that my one paying student had left because of an aching tooth, and my other student decided to stick around and wait for me. About this time my wife calls and says "the auction company is calling and would like to know when they can come get the car". I thought, "I had better move fast".

I called Keybank, and spoke with Heather. The bill collector that I had previously offended with my blashpemy. She was suprisingly friendly. Maybe because I was offering up some cash borrowed from the Discount Man.

To make a longer story shorter, the Honda is paid up. Thank God. In a sick twist of irony, while driving the Volvo to go get new registration for the Honda, the Volvo broke down about three more times. First the battery was dead. Which took about an hour to charge up. Then it began stalling wheh trying to return home. Thankfully I was able to locate a cracked hose, and repair it road-side with my trusty pocket knife contraption. THANK YOU AUNT BARBIE AND UNCLE PAUL.

I should probably also tell you about this dream I had last night. But it's a different story.

DM'S Milkshake Is Better Than Mine
Perhaps it's because DM was over at my house last night, or maybe that we joke about him boning my wife all the time. But something set into my mind.

Last night I dreamed taht I wanted sex from my wife. Nothing unusual there. When I suggested she come away and mate with me, my friend Discount Man who was standing nearby suggested that she mate with him instead. She agreed.

Aparently, they had sex once before which only slightly bothered me. But I was very angry that she liked his sex better. And the fact that I was working on his webpage, while they had the best sex ever in an adjacent room just really hurt my feelings.

What the hell would make me dream this? I have some possible theories. At any rate, it's one of those dreams you wake up from and say 'what the hell?'. When I told my wife she said "why him? Next time, dream I'm in bed with Eddie George".

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