Liberation

I spent several hours today cleaning out the back of my basement. I actually started digging through the junk earlier in the week placing what was "sellable" on eBay. To date, my earnings are almost $50. The rest of the garbage is not really anything I can sell. For that matter, it would be hard to give most of this shit away. Aside from all the computer junk I have to clear out ... one thing had to go ... my shelves of training manuals.

When you are in the training business, you print a lot of shit. I could never teach from PDF's on a laptop, although I've known many instructors who do. The sheer cost of printing all this crap was actually pretty low. I invested in a $50 laser printer when I started my training business. I was lucky enough to have a toner cartridge full of toner. I have never changed it. Every time I taught a new class I would download the materials, print them out, bind them, and label the binder. I accumulated a few shelves of this bulk paper product pretty quickly. But now what would I do with it all?

I guess the real question is why have I kept it this long? If you had asked me to throw all that shit out when I started my full time job back in May, I wouldn't have wanted to. I like to have a backup plan, and I figured if things didn't "work out" with the new job, the training business was more than willing to take me back. Now I am facing financial ruin, and my house will soon be someone elses house. I could still jump right back into the training business. Or, I could toss this heap into a recycling dumpster and never look back.

Would I ever want to go back to that lifestyle? The cold silence of a hotel room. The funny tastes and smells of foreign places. Calling my family from the road to "say hello". Teaching corporate lackies how to use poorly developed products that will change next year. Never again.

There was a certain satisfaction in slinging the bags full of paper into the dumpster. One had started to tear, and exploded on the inside wall, papers flying around in the cold darkness. I had a choice. I chose my family. I will never regret it. I don't have to ask myself if I did the right thing anymore. I'm free. But at what cost?

Tomorrow I will find out that I didn't get the job at the hospital and even though I know it's coming it will still break me down.

Tomorrow I will contact the recruiters I have avoided all week, and ask them to present me with more jobs that don't interest me, and that I am not qualified for.

Tomorrow I will get a couple more calls from the mortgage company, and I won't answer the phone.

Know Thy OSI Model

Earlier this week I drove out to Mount Vernon Ohio. To get to Mount Vernon from Columbus, you drive out into "the boonies" passing through several small "Colonial" towns. The views are rustic, and the traffic is of course very light once you leave city limits. I was on a mission. My mission? Come home with a new job, a higher income, and the news that we would soon be relocating to this tiny little town.

When I arrived to the hospital I could see that I was a little more than an hour ahead of schedule. The building is relatively small, and probably didn't have too many places for me to wait around in. Scrambling around the car I came across a pretty good book that I had forgotten about, "Live in a Better Way", by the Dalai Lama. It's not his best work, but it's a pretty good collection of small speeches he has given (namely to Universities). I read a few small passages, and tried some breathing meditations to relax myself.

With a half hour to go before my interview I headed inside. There were a couple of large signs pointing visitors in opposite directions, and an equal number of elderly volunteers eagerly hoping to assist. I first poked my head into the cafeteria. It was fairly small, and packed with hospital staff (it was lunch time). Next I wandered the halls a bit. Everyone smiled at me, and said hello as I passed. At first I figured that it was because I was wearing a suit. They must think I'm someone in charge! But then I noticed that patients were getting the same friendly smiles, nods, and "hello's". Perhaps the whole town is like this. It was pleasant.

I always think it's a good idea to arrive to an Interview early, even if you end up waiting on your interviewer so I headed up to the HR department with 20 minutes until my scheduled interview time. When I got there, I was greeted and put in a chair at the HR directors desk. His office was small, but tidy, and he was nothing but smiles. He asked about how my trip went and I talked a bit about how I used to drive out that way all the time, to teach up the road. We exchanged some stories. It was very comfortable. He seemed a bit concerned about how far away I live from the hospital, but I assured him that I would be moving if I was offered the position, and that was the end of it. We spent the next 40 minutes or so going over all of the many benefits that are offered. I was pretty happy to sit through the whole process, if for no other reason, because it seems that I was being "sold on the job".

Next I was taken to what I was expecting to be a grueling session with the current staff of four network administrators. Their duties ranged from "young help desk intern guy" to "highly paid application server specialist". All of them struck me as guys that *did* their jobs (opposed to slackers who idle at their desks all day long). Thankfully they had all been handed sheets of paper by the HR director with some pre-written interview questions. They were your typical array of "tell us about a time that you couldn't get a job done ..." or "tell us about a conflict you had with someone at work, and how you dealt with that". That was a tough one on me. "I like to think that I don't create or engage in conflicts ... and I can't remember the last time that I had a problem with someone in the office". Other than that, my answers were clear, concise, sometimes humorous, etc. It went very, very, well. It seemed that this was more a test to see how I might get along with "the guys" than any technical tests.

Once that was over, I was taken to go see the "IT Director". I was now about 2/3rd's through the Interview process, but I could see that this was "the real test". I was walked into the IT department, and plopped in front of the desk. The IT director was a small woman of Asian decent. Her accent was very thick. While she almost looked Vietnamese, the accent didn't fit, and I was afraid to make any assumptions. For that matter, she's probably sick of being asked "so where ya' from?". Before beginning the interview, she excused herself to the door and yelled to what looked like a young intern in the IT department. She wanted a Polaroid photo to be scanned, saved, and mailed to her. Next she slammed her door shut, rolled her eyes, and went on to tell me that she was not having a great day.

Into the questions she went. She started with "why would you want to move here, and work here". So I went on to tell her that I loved the town (I do) and that I am looking to pick up some new skills and raise my salary a bit. Then she started shooting some tougher questions.

"What is the number one problem you see with IT workers today?"

This was an easy one for me. I have thought a lot about this. "Arrogance! There's nothing wrong with not knowing to do something ... but there seems to be a high number of folks out there that have no idea what they are doing, but would sooner die than admit it". Thankfully, my interviewer whole heartedly agreed. I expected she would. The HR guy had told me earlier in a phone interview that the "old crew" had been fired a while back because they were all arrogant jerks who didn't have the slightest idea what they were doing. She went on to tell me about some of the folks she has had to deal with whose arrogance got in the way. Now she sat back and paused a moment before continuing.

"I'm going to ask you a couple of technical questions ... so just try to relax and answer them, okay?". I leaned forward. She had my fullest attention.

"In Windows NT 4.0 ...". Suddenly my head began to spin. Why would she ask about Windows NT 4.0? I used to be an expert. But it's been at least a year or more since I last touched it. Her head spun back and she stared at the ceiling as if she was searching for just the right question.

"... In Windows NT ... where would the hosts file be stored?". Oh! I know this answer! Without hesitation I spouted off, "c:\winnt\system32\drivers\etc\hosts". I then added, "without an extension of course, that's important ...". She nodded quickly, "That's right ... Okay!". And without a moments rest she was onto question number two.

"What are some of the improvements with Windows 2003 Server?". This was tough. I haven't taught Windows 2003 for a while, but this used to be something I had to convince students of all the time. Windows 2003 Server is better *because* ... I drew a blank. "Well", I paused, "it's not that much better than 2000 Server honestly ... most of the changes are subtle and unimpressive". She wanted more and so I continued, "you can rename your domain ... there are now distribution groups and security groups ... Exchange 2003 is tightly integrated to the directory and works really well ... you can organize your enterprise into one domain using different sites which is beneficial because -". "That's good!", she interrupted. Now she leaned in, and I could see that this would be my final question.

"Tell me about ... the ... OSI Model". I almost giggled. This ugly, cryptic, 7 layer model of Networking was once again going to win me a job. Some history for you. Long, long, ago I was drafted to start teaching Network+ courses. One of the key objectives in that course was to learn the OSI model. I made it my personal goal to learn that model inside and out until I could recite it forward and backward. I could take everyday tasks like shopping at the grocery store, and relate to this model. I knew dozens of specific examples for every single layer, and sub layers. This was my chance to show what I had.

"There are seven layers to the model and-"

"Yes, and what are those seven layers?"

"Application, Presentation, Session, Transport-"

"Okay, you are doing them backwards"

"Yes, that's right. I always start at the seventh layer, since that is where the conversation starts".

She smiled, and nodded. But she wanted to take it further. "Go through each layer if you can, and give me a description of what each one does". I went to give one of my finest performances as an Instructor. I impressed the shit out of her. So much that when I was done, I was told "I have to tell you, we have had this job open since July and I have passed on quite a few people. I figured if I held out long enough we would find the perfect person for this job. You seem to be very smart, personable, ...". I have never been complimented like that at a job interview. It was great!

"We should let you know about the job very soon". I won! I did it! I had the job! She walked me out and I ran back to my car to call my wife and tell her about the whole experience. It was, hands down, the best that an interview could possibly go. Now it was just a waiting game.

The Waiting Game

Day two: I check my e-mail. Constantly. All day long I am constantly clicking the little refresh button. Every piece of junk mail that arrives pisses me off just a little more than the last.

Day three: They said they would let me know soon. But soon to them may be a week or more. I'm just being impatient. I have the job. Stop worrying about it.

Day four: I'm getting worried. Shouldn't they have called? Maybe they did call. Maybe they actually mailed me a letter. No, that's stupid. I send an email to the HR guy thanking him for the Interview and asking if he needed anything else from me. No response.

Day five: I keep checking my email, and voicemail, and snail mail. Nothing but letters from the mortgage company telling me to get the fuck out of their house. There are friendly letters too, from various people who want to help me save my house from foreclosure. I guess the foreclosure notice is public record. So much for keeping a secret.

Finally, it got the best of me. If I wasn't going to get this job, I really need to know. The HR guy shouldn't be mad if I call. He should understand that I need to know. If I didn't get the job, I guess I can take it. But I will never know why, and that would drive me insane. Did they call my references and nobody picked up? Did they run my credit history and assume that I am a big fucking jerk who never pays his bills on time? Did one of my interviewers convince the boss not to hire me because I was an instructor for many years? I don't think that guy liked me much.

3:45PM, I call the HR guy. I get his voicemail. I leave a message, but I know he will only be there another 30 minutes or so. 4:15PM I call again and he answers. I get a lump in my throat. "Hello, I was just seeing if I could get an update on that position I was applying for". "Yes ... how have you been?". We chit chat as he types and slides some papers around. "Sorry I haven't contacted you. I just didn't want to call until I had an answer for you, and right now I don't". I guess I'm not hired yet. That's okay. "We extended an offer to someone else", he added. My heart sank. But I remained optimistic. "Oh, okay". He continued, "but we won't have an answer on that until Monday ... so you are still in the running".

What the fuck.

Who is this other guy, and why is he about to take my job? I'm the guy! I gave the best damned interview ever! What does this guy have? A college degree? Probably. Did he ask for less money? Probably. Have I all ready lost out on this job? Almost certainly.

Last week I watched Tom Brady throw a pass into the arms of a Colts receiver in the last moments of the game. It was a bad pass, that ended their season. One long throw, landing in the hands of the other team. One moment in time took away all hope of victory. The camera panned in on Brady. It's like his spirit shot out of him, and all that was left was a human shell in a football uniform. He turned white, his arms slumped, and he couldn't even muster up a good curse word.

This was my low. I wished the HR rep well, and asked him to be sure to "keep me in the loop". I closed up my cell phone and took a deep breath.

I remember what Tyler Durden said, "It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything". There's always Monday, I guess.

Starting New (Again)

I'm nervous, what can I say. I have so many things to worry about, I end up sitting up at night creating lists in my head.

I scored an interview at a community hospital located 40 minutes or so outside of town (which means a long drive through town - and then out). I did a phone interview with HR, which apparently went so well that they would like to interview me this coming week. I will first have an in-person interview with the HR person. He indicated on the phone that he will be explaining the health benefits. Next, I will be interviewed by the four other members of the department. Then, I will face the director of the hospital. All in one action packed afternoon. I have to assume they are serious about hiring me, and they will probably want me to start very soon.

If all goes well, and I am offered a good paying job there, it would mean relocating. From home, it would be an hour and a half drive to and from work every day. Add an accident here and there, and it just became a two hour drive. My single car situation does not work well with those driving arrangements and my family. But would I really mind moving? Not really. I like my house, and I wouldn't mind staying here. But seeing how I haven't been making many mortgage payments the past six months - I think the mortgage company would probably be happy to see me get out of their house.

I could get a small home, minutes from the hospital for anything from $60,000 to $100,000. Being that it's a small town, the property values are extremely low (and affordable). I would be taking a job for 10k to 15k more a year, and taking a house payment of 1/3rd what I pay now.

Last week was a great week for headhunters. I have them breathing down my neck. They are anxious to interview my boss, and they don't seem to understand why I don't want them calling him. Working in a small place, I dread the day I have to give them my "notice". It would mean extra work for everyone else until I was replaced. Knowing that, I will not have many friends in my last few weeks of employment. Aside from that, I am sick of head hunters calling me for jobs I am nowhere near qualified for. I could find these jobs on my own. I *have* found these jobs on my own. There's a reason I'm not all ready working there - they aren't interested in me. I got an offer the other day for a security management position in Lansing MI. I had all ready decided it wasn't worth pursuing, but I had to ask anyway. "Any ball-park on the salary?". He responds back, "probably something in the low nineties". I laugh, and remind myself that very few people are actually worth $90,000. I am humble enough to know that I am not one of those people.

A week and a half ago I went in for what I thought was a job interview with what I thought was an IT firm. I was very early. When I showed up I was told to have a seat in the "waiting room". I looked around the room, and I was surrounded by 40-somethings. They were reading news papers ... primping their suits and business-skirts ... and filling out various pieces of paperwork (no doubt applying for other positions). I knew then, that I had "been had". This was just some shitty staffing firm. They had no interest in me. They just wanted to sign me on with them, and move me onto some shitty "job". I don't want another one of those. Soon into the "Q&A" (it's hard to call this engagement an interview) I started getting questions such as "how low can we go on salary before you're not interested?". With questions like that, I was wondering why I went out and blew $15 the previous night on a new ironing board, and $25 on a new suit. Don't get me wrong, the suit is awesome (albeit a little gamey smelling) and the price could have been worse (had it not come from a thrift store). But here I was all ready to give them my all, and it wasn't even really necessary. They were all ready looking at their watch, and getting ready to move into the next tiny little "conference room" to talk to some other poor looser.

As our session was wrapping up, the interviewer turned around and grabbed one oh his cards from a small desk in the corner. There, they had a big plastic display which held the business cards of all the recruiters. The whole interview room seemed like a fast food experience. "I would like to test you on a few things", he says, "is that all right?". I wasn't really expecting a quiz, but I have taken so many in my life - I agreed. After all, acing a test in my last interview helped land me my current job. "Windows 2003 ... and RedHat ... sound good?". He had all ready marked me down. I nodded. "Okay, so fill out these forms, give them to the receptionist up front, and I will see you afterward". Twenty minutes later, I was pushed into a cramped "testing room" and I was being asked questions such as "Can distribution groups be used for permission assignment in Windows 2003?". And I was left wondering, did they take functionality levels into consideration for this test? Flip a coin I guess. It was clear that this was an exam written by exam writers, not product users. Didn't I leave the training industry for stupid shit like this?

In other news, my old boss from many years ago called me up. "John is leaving the department, and there will be a job opening". She works for the local University. Many years ago she offered me a job there, which I didn't feel I had much of a chance in getting. But I went to the interview, I took a look around, and then they asked "so ... do you want the job?". That was was. Next was salary negotiation. My old boss tells me "shoot for the stars". At the time I was making a cool 27k a year. So I shot for 50k. They agreed. I nearly shit myself.

I would later go back to my present employer and tell him, "I have someone offering me a job ... that I would be a fool to pass up". To which he replied, "don't leave ... I will match what they offer you". It was a taught decision. While I was considering my options, the person who had left the department just asked for his old job back. That made my mind up for me. Still I always wondered if I should have taken that job.

Now I have another shot, at a different position, at the same place. A University job would mean free school. I could use that. It would also mean State health care benefits. Many argue that "State benefit packages are not what they used to be". I would say the same of all health care plans. In my current plan, I still pay quite a bit out of pocket, and my cost is roughly $150 per week. The State health insurance plans are $150 - a *month*.

To take this job, I would have to come up with some management skills. Do I even have management skills? I would like to think that there are some buried deep within me. But I have never considered myself much of a leader. I am far too passive, and kind, to really lead people around and make them do things that they don't want to. But this is a management position. That will be a tough sell on my part. Hey, wait a minute. Do I even want a management position? I'll think about that.

Oh, there are so many other great things to talk about. Like, that my wife and I started taking Karate classes! Oh, and that I was served with a foreclosure notice just hours ago! Another blogging, perhaps.

Being Sick Sucks

I don't get sick very often. I'm a pretty lucky guy. But I always get a sinus infection in the late fall (done with that for 2006) and I usually get some sort of gross stomach flue in mid to late December. It must be mid-December.

Last night I drove home through hell on the highway as it was raining pretty heavily during rush hour. What should be a 20 minute drive turned into 45. I walked in the door to get my daughter and take her to Karate, which I had 15 minutes to pull off. Thankfully my wife had packed me up a nice meal - I was starving. I got to the mall and ran inside, getting my daughter through the door with a minute or two to spare and I was free to eat. I practically inhaled my dinner, licking the plate. Sausage patties, eggs with cheese on top, and waffles. Yummy. I was feeling pretty good.

About an hour later, my stomach started rolling over and I thought maybe I had eaten up that meal a little too fast. Woops. Two hours later, I began to wonder if something was going horribly wrong in my digestive track. At 10:00PM when my stomach woke me up after being asleep for about 15 minutes - I knew that I was in for a heck of a night. I went down to the fridge, grabbed the pepto-bismal and drank it down. It felt like poison rolling into my gut. Ouch. Then I started to feel really weak and strange. It was then that I knew, I had the flue.

I tried to go back to sleep. An hour later my stomach woke me up. Prepare to evacuate intestinal walls. It was like I had eaten handfuls of staples, and my body was ready to eject them. Hell, I wasn't sure which end I was going to erupt from. I'll spare the rest of the details for the sake of humanity. I went back to bed.

11:15PM I was awake again. Did my stomach wake me up? I was actually beginning to feel better. No, it was my pager blowing up with someone's network outage. Great, just great. So I grabbed my pager and cell phone and headed to the basement. It turned out to be a downed firewall in Delaware Washington. My only contacts for this account were all in Ohio and I doubt any of them gave half a shit. Yet, they pay to have us call them 24x7, so I left them a voicemail message and my cell phone number. I waited around 10 minutes or so. No call? Good. Good night.

2:00AM I was awake again. Who woke me up this time? I don't feel very good. I need more Pepto. Oh, but it's my pager again. This bad weather is taking it's toll on network tonight. So I go downstairs to my PC and investigate. This time it's a firewall in Cincinnati belonging to an electric company. Would they really give a shit that this thing went belly up in the middle of the night? I really don't like calling anyone at 2:00AM, even if I think it's important. I called the main business line thinking "I can leave them a message, an they will get it in the morning - and be glad that I didn't call them at home". But I wouldn't be so lucky, I was told that I could leave a message if this was an emergency. This was not an emergency that I could see. I called the cell phone of the owner. Ring. Please don't pick up. Ring. Please ... just go to voice mail. Ring. It goes to voicemail. Thank God. As I am leaving the message about his firewall being down, I start getting ping responses. Great. False alarm. Sorry.

I drink some more Pepto, sit on the toilet for a while, and I am back in bed. At 6:30AM the alarm goes off. I feel empty inside. No way. No way am I going to work. I've never called off since I started the new job. I have earned this sick day. I go back to sleep. 7:40AM my wife opens the bedroom door and turns on the light. She tells me I am about to be very late. I tell her I'm calling off. 8:05AM I call off. 8:10AM I go back to the toilet. 8:15AM I go back to sleep.

At 11:30 I crawl out of bed feeling really weak and odd. I tell my wife that usually the kids get sick before I do. She reminds me that my daughter was sick just a few days ago. I had forgotten. I plop myself down to my computer and start up my messenger. The guys at work pick on me for calling off, in a friendly way. But the one guy tells me that one of our co-workers was genuinely pissed off that I didn't show up. Why? I don't know. That guy certainly calls off more than any of us and has been known to excuse himself early on occasion when we are busily trying to get caught up. Screw him.

I decide to work on ODDREE Magazine. I started issue two, and haven't made much progress in a few weeks. Yesterday I had scrawled down two ideas I had for articles. This afternoon, I wrote half of each one. I was pleased with myself. I would like to just keep on trucking and finish them, but both require some additional labor and photo-taking and I just don't have the strength. I think I will just kick my feet up, finish reading Fight Club, and watch some TV. Back to work tomorrow? Probably.

Historic Comments
eel better dude. Look forward to the next issue.
George | 12.15.06 - 12:40 am | #

I know how it is to be sick and still have work to do so hope you feel better and thanks for all the cool stuff you have put together over the years.

You are good People Steve and I like what you are doing with ODDREE

Happy New Year Party on!
carwash | Homepage | 12.29.06 - 10:01 pm | #

The Ghost of My Former Self

I decided to let my kids take some pictures today. We had a little Thanksgiving meal at my house and invited my wifes family over. I knew my wife and I would get too involved with our guests to take pictures. But I didn't want my kids dropping the good camera, so I gave them our old Kodak serial camera which still proudly boasts "1 Megapixel" on the front.

On the camera was a picture that was taken a couple of years ago - the last time the camera was used. It was of me, in my Geek Squad uniform. Once I had the image off the camera, I blew it up full screen. It was like looking at a ghost. I'm not sure who took this picture (or why). But have a look around. I'm installing Windows XP for someone (maybe myself?). I look really tired and depressed. My cheeks are rosey from my blood pressure which was boiling over. On the wall behind me you can see an old training schedule from the evil training empire I worked for. In marker beside it, I have put up a couple of Novell courses that are coming up and then spelled out in big sacastic lettering "some dumb shit I don't want to teach" which was followed by "start a new job!". This was before I was laid off, and started my own business.

Anyhow, it's nice to look back and remember how nasty things got. I makes me appreciate how much better things are now. Happy belated Thanksgiving.

How To Make Recruiters Call You

I have been hitting the job searching pretty hard lately, and I can't say that I have made a lick of progress. The only phone calls I seem to get are from recruiters who don't really have a job for me, but like to waste my time with stupid questions. I have also found that if you go out onto Monster.com and post your resume, you will get phone calls from 5 or more recruiters who are just looking to put you in their database. If you "disable" your resume or make it "private" - wait a few days - then make it viewable again, those same people will call you back. For that matter you might try posting multiple resumes and see if they call you multiple times.

I got a call from a guy last week that I was reluctant to return. But there is that part of your brain that says "this *could* be the big phone call that gets you a better paying job". So I waited until I left out of work, and called this guy on my cell phone. It's as if the guy never even glanced at my resume. It's terribly insulting.

"Where are you working now?" - It's on my resume.
"What kind of experience do you have?" - It's on my resume.
"Are you A+ Certified?" - Uh yeah, I have like - 7 CompTIA certifications.
"Wow, I didn't know there were that many" - Yes. There are a bunch. EL OH EL.
"Any other certification?" - Yeah, what are you looking for exactly? I have many.

A note to recruiters every where. Act like you give a fuck, and do a little research with people when you are expecting their call. Like maybe ... just maybe ... glacing over the resume [ which is one page ].

Late last week I got a call from a recruiter that I worked with at the big evil corporate empire that I so hated. When she quit (or was fired? I forget), she went to work for a recruiting firm. I really needed to get back to her before she moved on and assumed I wasn't interested. Yet, my day was so busy, it didn't look like I was going to get a break. A break that I had definitely earned. I had to come in that morning at 7:30AM for a meeting, and I am still expected to work until 6:00PM. The "deal" is that when you get dicked with that schedule, you get a "two hour lunch". Don't ask me what I am supposed to do with a two hour lunch. But we were so busy, I was lucky to sneak out for half an hour to stuff down some french fries and call my old colleague.

My cell phone is out of minutes, and I am out of money. I can't make a call like this from work. So I started looking for pay phones. There aren't many in this fancy business district, on account that most people have cell phones. But I managed to find one at a gas station and I pumped two quarters into it (yes, a local call costs FIFTY CENTS). A receptionist answered, and aparently, could not hear me speak. The phone was broken. And I was just charged 50 cents to make a prank call. Thanks a lot. I drove to the next payphone, and I could tell that this one didn't work at all.

Next I headed to Giant Eagle. They seemed to have a working payphone in the lobby. This was my luck day. Fifty more cents later, the phone rings. No sooner does she answer, the doors swing open and "the cart boy" began crashing carts together. If I listen very closely, I am able to make out every other word that comes out of her mouth. It sounded like she wanted to offer me a contract teaching position, which entailed 80 percent travel. No thanks. Been there, done that.

My week just doesn't seem to be getting any better. Now the recruiters aren't calling any more. It's back to a job that's looking more and more like a financial dead end. Meanwhile, I am applying to a local University for acceptance this summer. I figure, if I'm this broke, perhaps the Federal government will pay for a couple of classes.

With a degree I might stand half a chance at decent wages.

Historic Comments

you know.. wierd things happen in my life that cause me to look back at a better time..

A time of double fisted blazz0ring. A time of the first semi official PLA chapter. A time of UP$. A time of Curs3d_Ang3ls. A time of Rattor pranking me 3rd party ld from South Africa.

Today was one of those days, and I just had to search for the mighty RDH.

I'm still not sure what sparked me to find you again.. but damn. I miss the old days.
hobKnob | 12.02.06 - 8:48 pm | #

Staying The Course

Last year I ran into a couple of problems. None of them involved money. I was having money thrown at me like I was some kind of up and coming athlete. Everyone loved the training I was delivering, and my “work ethic” as one broker put it. Of course by “work ethic” he was referring to my willingness to take on new courses that I had never taught, on material that I was hardly familiar with. That seemed to be what separated me from the overpaid pre-Madonna’s of the training industry. My wife and I recognized it, and cashed in on it. Before long, the phone was always ringing with awkward requests, and it was difficult to keep track of everything coming in by e-mail. But with every success came a fair bit of sadness as everything I agreed to meant leaving town for a week at a time.

As we went into April, I was running from one week stink to another. From home – to airport – to a dirty hotel. The sweet victory of returning home and sending out the invoice just didn’t seem to counter the hard fact that I would probably have to do it all over 24 hours later. I simply didn’t want to leave any more. And my time at home was hardly productive. I usually sat around in my pajamas all day when I wasn’t on the road.

The money was great. And everything else sucked. My wife and I had always agreed that money shouldn’t drive our goals in life as the result is a miserable existence. And we were right. So I quit. The phone continued to ring, and I turned away job after job while working to get my resume out on the street – talk to old acquaintances and set up interviews. There were two jobs that stuck out in my mind as something obtainable. And I landed a position with one of them. So what’s happened since then?

I like my new job. I was once again part of a mom-and-pop style business, with a real team atmosphere. There are four of us working to stay ahead of service requests, phone calls, and security incidents, and a fifth member writing all the software. The boss and his wife run the sales, billing, and general customer service aspect. It works. It works well. The company has grown by at least a third, putting a stress on the four of us providing support and we suspect we’ll get a fifth partner by January.

I start every day trying to finish yesterdays load, and by noon I have far more to get done than I can ever commit to. The result is that I end up stuffing down lunch when I can, usually muting a customer so they don’t hear my munching. I’m busy, all the time. It’s nice. The days fly by, and I have fun at what I’m doing.

I suppose there are a few problems though. Namely, I’m flat fucking broke. When I applied for the job, I asked for $20,000 a year more than I ended up being hired for. But seeing that I was not getting calls from anyone, I took it. My wife and I ran some numbers and figured that we were going to barely squeak by. But there were surprises. The taxes were a bit higher than expected. Health care and dental insurance take a large portion of my check. And in the end, we were $200 short paying all of the bills.

How could we save our house? We would have to prove to the mortgage company that we can afford it. But here we are months later, and the mortgage company has figured out that we really can’t afford our house. I guess it was more like “fooling them” into thinking we could afford it. They’re nice people and they’re pretty understanding. I guess they have to be. As I look up and down my street, we hardly have any of our original neighbors. They’ve all moved away because they couldn’t afford their homes either. When we see moving vans, it’s never anyone moving in. It’s someone else who’s given up. Our street is littered with realtor signs, some boasting “HUD property” and one even boasts a good deal for “distressed property”. My wife an I figure that translates to “dog shit smells” and “urine stains”.

In an attempt to satisfy the mortgage company I cashed in on my retirement account. There’s very little left. A thousand bucks, or so. With the money we paid off our tax debts with mounting interest, our car which was nearing repossession status, and all of our utility bills which were starting to come to the mailbox in festive orange colors. That ought to do it, I thought. I put it all in front of the mortgage company. In my naivety I guess I thought that they would be willing to help me lower my payments. But the response instead was “that’s great, but you still don’t make enough money”. They always ask weird and insulting questions such as “do you have any other sources of income?”. I’m never sure how to answer that one. I guess I really want to know, “what do other people answer that with?”. Not because I am a smart ass, but I could use some more money myself!

The night after calling the bank and signing the papers to watch my retirement vanish, I had a nightmare that I was in prison. It was awful there, and I wasn’t being treated very well. It seemed like I had expected better, but upon getting there I realized that prison really sucks. Nobody came to see me for weeks. Eventually my dad showed up for a visit and said “we’re working with your lawyers, it may take some time”. But I kept pleading “you have to get me out of here … I mean, I’m not even sure what I did”. But after I was awake, and I could make sense of what was going on in my head, it was clear. I had put myself on trial for my financial ruin, and it was for my father who was judging me.

I explained the whole dream to my wife – adding that I was in grief over a financial decision that my father will not be happy with. She was quite understanding and assured me that we were doing the right thing and the only thing. I admitted that it was rather sad to sit around depressed about what my father would say about my financial un-successes.

Retirement spent, and bank account empty, I continued my new full time career making 13% less than I did when I was laid off several years ago. I felt I was underpaid then. I feel really underpaid now. While waiting on hold to talk to the mortgage company, they constantly remind you of their website. So I headed there to a section on “payment help” where they offer “alternatives to foreclosure”. My heart sank. There were five options. The first three were options that we have tried in attempts to get back on track and keep paying on our house. All options that have failed, as there is just not enough income to go around. The latter two unexplored options involved leaving your home in a voluntary fashion – to avoid the black mark of foreclosure. Those, I thought, were the only two I haven’t been through.

So I broke it to my wife. Monday I will call the mortgage company. I will tell them that we cannot make a payment. A payment that we needed to make if we wanted to stay on a plan. The plan being a “test” to see if we could stay on the path to repayment. The result of missing my deadline? Options four and five on the list. I don’t have to speculate. The whole thing is laid out for you. If you aren’t content leaving your home, there’s always the missing option six (foreclosure).

Likely, I will be leaving my house in the coming year. Not because I don’t like the place. I just simply can’t afford to live in it. I’m not bitter about it, but a little depressed. I’ve raised my kids here. We’ve painted the walls together. There are lots of great memories here.

I suppose that things might turn around. But I have to be honest with myself. I’m not going to get a large raise any time soon. I’m doing a great job at work. The boss even told me so, and he’s not a complimenting type. And it was a little sad to hear that one of our team members who has been there for years, makes the same thing I do.

Should I look for a new job? I guess it’s time to. I like my job. But I need more money. A lot more money. So much more money, that when I am asked by an interviewer “what is your current salary”, I had better put on a pretty good poker face.

In situations such as these, I wonder what the Buddha would have said. Likely he would remind me of suffering. He would tell me that when the things we like are taken away, we feel suffering. It brings me comfort in knowing that it’s just a house that’s gong away and not the life of someone I love. Life has dealt me much worse, and I’m not going to call this situation sour grapes. The time I have had with my kids, and not being on the road all the time certainly seems better than paying all my bills and leading a miserable life. I still feel we’re better off than this same time last year.

What’s next for me? What’s next for us? At 30 years old, and lacking a college degree I’m in no shape for demanding a large increase from my current employer.

It looks I will be back to the job search engines and updating my resume for one last stand. Wish me luck.?

Historic Comments
GOOD LUCK!
DEVO | 11.19.06 - 7:23 pm | #

Hey Ray, I am a long time reader of your blog. Been reading since I found you on the legendary thebroken forums. I come back from time to time and catch up on how you are doing, and somehow I always find a mirror of my own trials. This one is no different except for the fact that it reflects my situation 6 months ago. I dropped a job that was great for my bottom line, but bad for me personally. I left there and never looked back - instead, waiting tables to get by, and not even doing that. But alas, I did find a job that I love, and that loves my checkbook, and it all seems worth it now. Don't hesitate to do what needs to be done, in the end you will see the wisdom of your choice fully. Best of luck..
Ty | Homepage | 11.28.06 - 5:02 pm | #