Wednesday, July 20, 2005

These past few nights I have had a hard time staying asleep. I usually drift off and don't awake until my alarm goes off (and even then I generally fade out for a few more minutes). A week or so ago, I decided to give up coffee. It upsets my stomach, and I'm not even sure I like the taste of it. I just like the caffiene. So I switched off to tea. Lighter, less sugar, and easier on the stomach. I really like tea. Maybe too much. I have been drinking probably six cups a day, half of which when I get home. I think the caffiene buzz is following me to bed and keeping me from sleeping well.

As I drifted in and out of sleep last night, I kept having these colorful and vivid dreams. The kind that only seem to last a few minutes but must take place over the period of a few hours. Mostly good and happy thoughts. Yet, the last dream I remember having was downright awful. I was sitting next to my mother on a wooden picnic bench at the top of a hill. Off to the right at a neighboring table was my wife and kids. We were enjoying lunch on a beutiful day. The sky was bright blue, and the grass a lovely shade of green. It was kind of like the default Windows XP wallpaper. Just so wonderful, it looked computer generated.

My mother was telling me a story and we were laughing and having a good time. Then ... air raid sirens. It was a little un-nerving and everyone began to get frightened. "What time is it?", I asked. Looking at her watch, my mother replied "9:53". Then I replied, "Well it's a little early, but it's Wednesday. They always run those at noon". Everyone agreed that it was probably normal, and we began to get back to our conversations. Then a strange formation of clouds appeared and it cast an obscure shadow upon the valley of green grass below. It didn't look much like anything. Just several cloudlike circular shadows. Almost like a reflection of something. It was an aircraft of some kind. And it was above us. Just as I looked up to the sky to see what was making the shadows - a ring shaped cloud decended from the heavens and began to drift toward the valley gaining speed. As it did, fire erupted from it's sides making an awful noise which echoed through the valley.

It was a bomb.

There was no time. The last thing I remember seeing was my mother flailing around in a panic (she recognized that everyone was about to be vaporized). It was horribly realisitic. It was the same noise she made when I teased her with rubber spiders as a kid. I remember thinking, I don't even have time to look at my family. We are about to go up in flames, and I can't even tell them I love them or say goodbye. I didn't even have time to turn around and see them.

So what was this dream about? Not enough time. I think it's a fear that we all have. I am just discovering it within myself. My dreams have taken new forms with me. They help me understand things about myself. My hope is that I will eventually learn meditation, and I won't have to sleep to invoke these locked away thoughts. Last night, I read a few lessons from the Dalai Lama. The Dalai Lama has a funny way of giving it to you straight. He says, "we all die". He also says, "you won't be coming back". Finally he adds, "the only thing we DON'T know is WHEN we will die". So we had better prepare ourselves for death, basically.

As I sat at work today I kept checking the clock nervously. Not that I think I am some sort of psychic or anything ... but the dream seemed so real that it actually creeped me out. When I glanced to the clock and saw that it was just about 10:00AM I breathed a sigh of relief.

There is time.

Other events I don't want to write about now:

1) A consultant was pushed from the plane (someone was fired from my old employer whom I am serving this week).
2) Others from this company will likely leave -and if the company survives- it will mean more work local employment for me.
3) My daughter has lost three teeth this week (literally, she lost one - we found the other two).

Current Mood: Partly Enlightened
Musical Inspiration: I've been using my iPod to listen to Dhamma talks (and the White Stripes!)

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